19/09/2015
Fresh Air for Freshers – By Will the boat guy
As fresher’s week was drawing to a close, it seemed every new (or not quite so new) student in Edinburgh needed to evacuate all the toxins accumulated without remission during this five-day marathon. So what could be better than getting out there and dirty? (Please do not answer this rhetorical question). For a first try, it would have been sneaky, to say the least, to drag unwitting newbies all the way to what road sign designers call THE NORTH. Indeed, good trips do not always need to be long trips, and Holyrood Park was the laureate!
There was much to be done this day: to start things off smoothly, Robby the Ranger led the gang to the Park’s future wildflower meadow, which borders Queen’s Drive and Saint Margaret’s Loch. The lush grassland covering this area was soon to receive a haircut, a necessary process to make space for the new (local) species that would be planted later this year. However, the meadow was also the elected home of Teasel (Dipsacus somethingus, for plant geeks). After a happy summer of flowering on the meadow, the Teasel plants were now proudly sporting ripe seed heads, ready to feed the birds. Rather than let this resources go to waste under a huge lawnmower or as a nature morte model, these seed heads were to be gathered and tied to neighbouring trees, where birds (and squirrels, but let’s not be picky) would feed on them throughout autumn. A happy troop of Dirties caracoled in the field, here cutting seed heads, here tying them in more or less artistic bunches, under the curious eye of Japanese television. Yes, you read that right. The adventures of Ranger Robby and the Dirties will soon be live across the globe!
After half an hour and several takes of the same non-scripted and very bucolic scene, featuring Dirties pretending to retie knots or karate-chopping the seed heads off poor innocent Teasel plants, the job was over and the dirties needed a new challenge to keep them away from games the Health and Safety Department would frown upon with both eyebrows. It was time to head for the heart of Holyrood for some real fun.
The Park is regularly affected by wildfires of various and sometimes distasteful origins, and needs an efficient fire-breaking system to protect its vegetation from the greatest mass extinction since the Rogue Barbecue Incident of 1305 (1pm Ed.). Fire breakers are paths hacked into the gorse thickets to prevent the spreading of fire (it does what it says it does). Holy rude gorse, however, does not agree with this management policy and wants its land back. Pandemonium ensued!
Dirties attacked the gorse with bow-saws, silkies (not selkies, mythical creatures don’t saw), loppers (not Laupers, singers aren’t all cutting edge), and gorse retaliated with dangerous pricks and formed an alliance with neighbouring brambles. The casualties were many amongst the gorse, as were the wounded among the Dirties. But in the end, Homo sapiens prevailed once again (hopefully not once too many), and the fire breaker was cleared.
Dirties whose hands were still functional used them to gobble up the most delicious nachos known to man, swigging water (and beer) to celebrate their victory in the name of the Queen, who owns the place but couldn’t be bothered with paid labour.
For more information on the Park, its volcano, its biodiversity and its amazing history, please visit this page (or any other with similar facts):
http://www.historic-scotland.gov.uk/propertyoverview.htm?PropID=pl_125
